Betfuck upset the Apple cart as the Magnificent seventh season kicks off

 

The magnificent seventh season of the CofE is nearly upon us. Managers across the universe are putting the final touches to their squads and dreaming of the ultimate prize in fantasy sport. Yet before a ball has been kicked an angry war of words has broken out. Accusations of foul play, match fixing and dodgy betting patterns, have emerged after the in-house bookmaker – @Betfuck – released their odds for the forthcoming season. In a carefully worded statement by the Elliott tripartite, the odds were slammed for being wholly unrepresentative and designed to increase undue pressure on the fancied trio. @Betfuck were also ridiculed by reigning champion Connor Coke, whose delight at getting his 1st ever birdie on Sunday at a PGA course, quickly turned to incandescent rage when finding out he’d been seemingly ignored in the odds despite his heroic efforts the season before. ​
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A Betfuck spokesperson, Ms Imelda Guzman, denied there had been any wrong doing defending the odds saying: ​
‘They were compiled from detailed reports supplied by the sports writer Dan Digger, who had interviewed the majority of managers in recent months. A selected panel digested his findings and then incorporated them with the Albert Tatlock Method (A betting system devised in Qatar) which calculates accumulated points and other coefficient’s to ensure clarity and fairness’. ​
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Despite huge bets been placed in the Far East on reigning champions Witney and the newly formed Ex-Minh – who have risen from the ashes of the intrepid greats Clash City, the governing body of the CofE which includes Ms Guzman, have deemed that no malpractice or fraud had occurred. Their conclusions appear however to have not dampened down the pre-season CofE tinder box that will ignite in a weeks time and burn intensely for the next 9 months. We took a closer look at all the teams and managers vying for the top spot this season and broke down the likely winners and losers and who’ll come up Trumps in May. ​
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Shaolin Dragons – Bruce Elliott – 5/2 – 2166​
​Run like a machine Shaolin’s consistency is truly eye watering year. 2 cup wins in the last three years and an average points score of 2166 would satisfy most managers but not the older of the Elliott twins. Desperate to avoid the title of ‘Next Best’ and the annual end of season heartbreak, Shaolin will be confident they can secure the elusive title for the second time. If they can avoid any mid season hi-cups and rack up the points then it’s hard to look beyond them. ​
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Universal Law – Lawrence Elliott – 3/1 – 2063​
​The former two times champion has been though a period of isolation in recent years but there are clear signs that the Law are back! They’ll be building on the impressive 2175 points achieved last season. A strict vegan overhaul see’s a leaner and more productive working unit which should avoid the ‘idling’ of recent seasons which has cost them dear. Much will depend on the managers mixing and ingenuity but if he plays those trump cards well – then we fancy their chances. ​
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Banana Bunch – Tony Elliott – 4/1 – 1974​
The Bunch continue to impress. Having dragged themselves off the bottom after their first abysmal CofE season, they are becoming worthy title contenders. Elliott senior is not scared to throw caution to the wind but somehow maintains a strong backbone. There’s an over reliance on some unsavoury characters in their team but we’ve tipped them for the last two seasons and they’ve not disappointed. This just might be their year. ​
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Witney Wanderers – Connor Coke – 11/2 – 2059​
​No-one dare question Witney’s fantastic achievement last year. Their title win was dogged at times but it was eclipsed with splashes of brilliance but one swallow doesn’t make a summer. They will need to repeat their excellent pre-season and hit the ground running. Rumours have it that scouting only recently commenced and that the manager has been spending far too much time working on his 5 iron. That may prove costly if he hits the rough where he has often been in previous seasons. ​
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Ex-Minh Communards – James Coke – 5/1 – 2130​
Relocation and a torrid season saw Coke’s charges slip out of title contention by Xmas. However, you’d be classified as a fool if you were to write them off for the coming season. The manager has secured 4 pieces of silver with Clash City including back to back championship wins and we expect them to bounce back especially with the news that they’re putting an impressive squad together. They offer excellent value for a top 3 finish – but for the title? – well that’s a bridge to far. ​
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Henry’s Hotspurs – Henry Coke – 12/1 – 2012​
Mid table obscurity is the likely ticket on this one, rather than the Spurs marching on. The colourful manager the Guvnor, has been largely quiet on the hustings and despite a strong cup run last season the club haven’t threatened to break the glass ceiling for many a year. A big point score in August is essential if the Hotspurs are to have any chance of a top 4 challenge, but even that might not be enough. Don’t expect them to give up the chase though – they battle to the end.​
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Hollywood Edge – Simon Coke – 10/1 – 2098​
Blistering starts and consistency saw the Hollywood franchise fly up the ratings before hitting the wall and finishing last season poorly; Media outlets reported that the colonel, gave up and let his wife run the show but that remains unconfirmed. Last seen throwing his phone to the floor frustrated by the transfer market, the colonel will need to recapture that bunch of fives spirit, which so nearly brought him the title 2 years ago when missing out by a mere 8 points to Clash City.​
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6 European Cups – Oliver Coke – 6/1 – 1925​
The Wally with the red brolly could be the new US Hotdog after banking an impressive 2139 points last season. However ‘6 European Cups’, have already been issued with a writ for intent to incite riot over their naming rights and questions still abound about their average form prior to last season. Like Banana Bunch, they will be over reliant on some shady players which could hamper their progress. Seen as a dark horse by some punters, we reckon by Christmas Santa will be a garish blue as early expectations flounder. ​
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The Dude F.C – Raef Coke – 15/1 – 1975​
As for the former Buddha known as the Mexican, the jury remains firmly out. Winter is coming, ran Clash City close 3 seasons ago, when Nasri the lesbian was the most hated player in CofE history and anything seemed possible. Since then the transformation to the Mexican has seen a poor drop off in form and a disturbing flirt with relegation. There’s no doubting the talents there but an often lazy approach to training lets him down. They’ll be no hiding from the turkey vultures if the Mexican saunters out thinking he’s on a free lunch. ​
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No hope N’ Glory – Edward Coke – 16/1 – 1981​
Dynasty building has been Ed Wood’s long term goal and the clubs efforts in the last 5 years have been commendable. A solid first season back in the CofE saw them safe from relegation but they’ll need to go that extra mile to drag themselves up the table this year. Improvement on a far from Saintly midfield should help but the omens are good for the future as Atticus the philosopher joins the backroom staff bringing extra vision and ideas.​
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Cuckfield Dynamo – Charlie Coke – 20/1 – 1969​
Strong defensive bonds paid dividends for the Dynamo and their conservative minded boss last season. Many saw them as relegation fodder but an austeric transfer embargo on a solid foundation saw them through. We should see further improvement this year but there may be need of some quantitative easing if the fans are to be sold on the leaders strategy. The team is crying out for a new left winger to give it more appeal and width, otherwise the season could be a fracking disaster. ​
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Felix Tigers – Lloyd Sturgess – 25/1 – 1900​
Sturgess appears to have an impossible job. Parachuted in to assist the precocious Felix Coke the club made promising starts but fell away in previous seasons, before the disaster of last year and a bottom two finish. A power struggle in the boardroom has called for Sturgess to be replaced by the tearaways mother, but she’s having none of it. The club face a brutal season unless Sturgess is given time and a license to thrill – this seems unlikely with the incumbent owners unable to evolve from their malaise. ​
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Atletico Rufio – Rufus Elliott – 5000/1 – 1885​
Seminal underachievers who do the talk but not the walk. Atletico have been appalling in the last decade and there’s little light at the end of the tunnel for their supporters. They start the season with all guns failing, before the coach disappears to manage his gay-ball franchise leaving them rudderless. It’s a shoddy show beside of the PR department mitigating the annual debacle. Rufio, recently accused of cheating on the golf course, has to prioritise and turn up for the party otherwise it will be the PR spokesperson doing most of the running….again.​
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Whoever is crowned champions come May the season promises much. The introduction of VAR will reward some and debilitate others as managers stock up with penalty takers and blockers alike. With 8 teams finishing last season with 2k+ points everyone will be looking to bounce onwards and upwards. Of course the vitriol, distain and back stabbing will flourish and no quarter will be given or accepted – that’s the CofE after all, but to win it will take effort exceeding 110% and diligence of the highest order. To some the outcome is already etched in stone but everyone knows deep down the contest will go the distance. Either way the crowd will salute all of those about to do battle in probably the most competitive league in the world.​
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This report and review was compiled by @Betfuck with help from Dan Digger