The Seismic cracks in the Twin Towers are rocking a fading empire

As season 5 of the CofE came to its dramatic climax in May, heavy weights Clash City and Brucuresti, apparently slugged it out for the title. Reigning champions, City, easily held off Bruce Elliott’s challenge, but it was the incredible finish by Hollywood Babylon that had James Coke sweating. The West coasters trailing 60 points at the start of the day, missing the ultimate prize by a mere eight points. It astounded the world of fantasy football. The margins were tiny and the final day fireworks, epitomised what an incredible season it had been. Few would forget ‘Salad-gate’ when City seemed to rock of their axle to give the chasing pack hope, or the controversy of ‘Cane-gate’, which ultimately finished Brucuresti’s title aspirations and caused so much anger. It was a season scared by Mind games, cynically deployed by each manager, which bordered on bringing the league into disrepute. It was also a season which saw the end of an empire, as the once impregnable twins were cast aside and put in their place. Brucuresti fell behind Babylon in world rankings and Universal were ridiculed for resembling a Sunday league team. I was pleased then when I bumped into their intermediary Rufio, Atletico‘s appalling coach and distant cousin or something, when attending the World cup. He had bored me for 20 minutes gassing on about the draft format, before revealing the Twins were keen to bag an interview and let of some steam. I was elated. Only two seasons before both had seemed ‘Unbeatable’ trading the title between themselves before the ‘Catastrophes’ of season 4 and 5 which saw Clash City win back to back titles. Since then both had been on their own ‘Walkabout’ seeking answers and a way back to the big time. I couldn’t wait to find out then where it had all gone wrong – ask about Lawrence’s abysmal form and their concerns about the new kid on the block threatening to take up the Elliott mantle as a week later my taxi cruised through the barrio of St Johns towards the Hood and their imposing headquarters ‘Twin Towers’. The opulence and palatial surroundings of the towers as we entered the complex was a contrast to the degeneration and poverty of the Hood which surrounded it, but both teams could reply upon fanatical support blind to the riches that stared down upon them. Rioting had erupted on numerous occasions throughout the season as both sets of fans who support each other had vented their frustrations, fighting viciously to capture former ground. On the final day incensed by Harry Kane joining Clash City, thousands had taken to the street, torching cars refusing to accept the inevitable. The carnage of the burnt-out wrecks and acrid air had long cleared but the mark of failure was still evident as graffiti lambasted Universal Law calling for the managers head and applauding Banana Bunch and its forgotten father figure Tony Elliott who had excelled in his second season when largely invisible. There was certainly a tension in the air as I was met by the house matriarch Lady Jane who was screaming at the gardener. I was startled by his uncanny resemblance to Tony, but before I could get a closer look at him, Lady Jane was flogging him with a whip she’d conjured from nowhere, sending him cowering back to his chrysanthemums. Stunned by the brutality I was ushered towards the front door following Lady Jane as she alighted the York stone entrance steps still clearly irritated by the Gardener, shaking her head at his impudence. There was an air and grace about her as I followed her into a cavernous hallway decorated with fine art and fresh flowers which scented the air. I could sense she took immense pride in herself – she was dressed immaculately, and the Twin Towers built on the back of the Twins huge earnings success, which she managed. She repositioned some flowers in a cut glass vase, paying special attention to a couple of chrysanthemums – I wondered if they were from the garden outside and cause of her ire, but I elected not to ask as we reached a lift in the never- ending hallway. We then ascended to the top on the seventh floor, sharing a bit of Smalltalk about the weather before the doors opened out onto an open space swathed in the morning sunlight. A large wooden table with 4 chairs at each pole sat in the middle of the space as 4 bamboo trees placed in each corner, creating a bit of zen, gently rocked in the spring breeze. On either side were two one story structures a door leading from both to the table and a viewing vista which gazed out over nearby Primrose Hill. It was an impressive Piece of architecture but lacked warmth and was somewhat open to the elements. Lady Jane invited me to take one of the seats at the end of the table telling me the twins would be in attendance shortly, before returning to the lift leaving me alone. I waited there for about 5 Minutes before I got bored and rose to check out the Vista. Primrose Hill was in the foreground and the spires of central London sparkled in the distance. Directly below were the Tower Gardens, they looked majestic with manicured lawns, koi carp ponds and more flower beds mostly adorned with hydrangeas in iridescent hues. It was then I saw the Gardner appear from a bush beside one of the ponds. He was waving at me and I acknowledged him by waving back before he unfurled a banner which read ‘The empire is no more – there is a new Elliott on the block’ the statement startled me. Was the gardener Tony Elliott after all? I was desperate to confer with him, so I quickly removed a page from my notebook, wrote my number on it and turned it into a paper aeroplane. Before I could launch it though Lady Jane appeared again cracking her whip at the Gardener, who by now had dropped the sign and was retreating into the rhododendrons. I felt it wise to get out of sight as I certainly didn’t want to face her wrath, so I quickly returned to my seat and started to write up my notes as I pondered on what I had just witnessed. Tony Elliott was certainly a bit of an enigma. He had been late joining the world of fantasy football living in La-la land following a bitter cause with no shame. His release from his purgatory clearly affected his first season as he struggled to adjust to the C of E intensity. Many thought relegation, would spell the end and the Bunch would be retired, before one of the twins took pity on Elliott senior, taking him under his wing. A noticed improvement in form saw a rekindling of faith in the boss who invested in-spreadsheet technology which paid dividends as the Banana bunch were the surprise package in season 5. His inexperience though selecting his team on a beach in Angola when his connection cut out was critical, resulting in his heroic challenge fizzling out. A difficult man to track down I had gone down the usual avenues to bag an interview with him or just to get a quote on the Bunch turnaround, but he was never available. I wondered whether his meteoric rise had been too much for the twins and they’d had him silenced as he was threatening to take over the failing empire. It was certainly not beyond them and what I had just witnessed made me even more suspicious. Eventually I heard movement from both buildings on either side of the table and simultaneously both doors were flung open. The twins emerged stepping out from their bunkers. The sunlight startled them as they blinked and cowered against its intensity. Both appeared pale and somewhat gaunt possibly a sign of the stress and pressure they’d been under, but both were affable as they smiled as we exchanged greetings before sitting down in our respective Chairs. They had been educated to the highest level before being sent to a finishing school in Switzerland where they had excelled in football management. There notoriety had not gone unnoticed back in the world of fantasy football where several suitors warmed to their cavalier, grinding tactics. Bruce (the slightly older twin) and Lawrence (the slightly hairier one) were both snapped up by Rapid Curesti and Universal, respectively. Their impact was immediate. Both clubs soared through the fantasy world league amassing the owners many trophies and a wealth in riches but problems below the skin ailed both clubs. Many critics saw their teams as mirror images of each other and spoke of collusion between the two. The twins always defended their independence with gusto, but the owner of both clubs Tim Eout, began to feel uncomfortable at the mounting rumours. Things came to a head when both clubs were invited to join 10 others in the inaugural CofE championship. The new competition was seen by most people on the planet as the ultimate challenge in fantasy but Eout’s relationship had soured with the twins. He had grown tired of the disruptive boardroom battles and the terrace chants from opposition fans which ridiculed both clubs for fraternising with each other. Deciding he wanted a fresher and more scientific style to his clubs he terminated the twin’s contracts immediately, but the move backfired dramatically. The twins immediately took to social media and other platforms to vent their anger. Their convoluted arguments against their dismissal appealed to the core element of their support and a ground swell of opinion quickly began to build calling for their re-instatement. Massive demonstrations, reminiscent of the Iranian revolution engulfed the then named Eout Towers as the chairman’s position became untenable. Fearing he would go insane or worse, he negotiated a get out clause leaving the towers and rights of both teams to the power hungry twins. Naming rights gave the putsch a stamp of authority and the following 3 seasons saw the CofE dominated by Universal Law and Rapid Brucuresti before the ‘Catastrophe’ in season 4. Lady Jane had returned with some rich Italian coffee its roasted aromas punctuated the air. Both twins appeared relaxed having recently returned from the World Cup as pundits for Talk-shit Fm. Each had burnt bridges with various media outlets for treasonous comments about the National team. If it had been a time of war then they would have been executed, even Talk-shit had taken them off air after outrage from its listeners. Neither seemed affected by the vitriol though as they discussed their prized asset Harry Kane whilst laughing at the Chiefs new setup in Witney, Lawrence scornfully quipped ‘NAAFI team bruv’ As Bruce poured the coffee smirking. They both simultaneously started chanting ‘No aim, ambition or fucking interest’ Before laughing at their joke before Law finished it with a telling ‘TWAT’ to show his utter distain at his northern cousin. As Bruce poured me a cup of coffee I thought I’d light a fire, asking them ‘if season 4 was the catastrophe, how would season 5 be remembered’? The question stopped both in their tracks. Bruce’s hand went into spasm, spilling coffee and Lawrence rocked in his seat eyes closed wincing, before they gathered themselves as Bruce cleared the spillage. Law replied, ‘The nightmare’, His words were hollow and worn, season 5 had clearly knocked the stuffing out of him but both had been damaged by the memory of Clash City winning the treble and a PR campaign that toyed with their once invincibility. Bruce was forceful in his words though as he stared me down trumpeting, ‘His time at the top is over – it ends now’, as Lawrence pitched in, ‘he’s always just hanging on at the end his team is on vapours’. Laws comment were crass considering his own season and I asked him about his own wheels falling off and how he could hope to keep his job if things failed to improve. He was adamant in his response, ‘I think my job is more than secure; my record speaks for itself. We’ve been through a big rebuilding program and there has been enough shoots to show we’re going forward’, he argued defiantly. In his defence he’d finished strongly in season 4, but Season 5 had been an unmitigated disaster. Bruce was quick to support him…as ever, arguing ‘The standard has gone up! 50+ points is the norm and if you are off the pace getting back in the mix can be very difficult’ Universal had indeed started well but a dreadful mid-season, saw them drawn into a brutal relegation battle with the Chiefs and an often hapless Atletico, managed by Rufio the wannabe Rastaman. Brucuresti on the contrary were slow out of the blocks. They lost valuable ground not only on City but Banana Bunch who had started the season with 100 points and the excellent Hollywood Babylon surely a top favourite for next season. The consistency at the top meant Brucuresti, despite solid points returns were always in catch up mode frustrating Bruce as he mixed his team to get back in the race. ‘Kane-gate’ and the loss of 20 points each, was the final straw for the twins, who threatened to withdraw from the CofE, in an attempt to bring the whole league down. Civil war was averted by the Guvnor, who was having an excellent season with Henry’s Hotspurs. Despite serious health problems brought on by his sex change, he was having none of it. The threat to unleash the feared Henry Ultras was warning enough for the twins to get their house in order. VAR would have reversed the leagues decision, but the dye was cast for Brucreti who finished a disappointing 3rd to face the dreaded wall of failure – as for Universal surely it couldn’t get any worse. Season 6 would be defining for both of them and I questioned Bruce’s decision to relocate his academy to Mumbai and the time difference playing havoc on his game clock, but he appeared unconcerned declaring, ‘We’ll have 4g technology so it won’t affect us – in fact I think it will work in our favour’ His confidence surprised me as I felt it would be a tall ask, considering he was already losing ground on the top two but I respected his record and let it go. I then asked them both if either could ever hope to loft the CofE shield again and whether Banana Bunch were the true deal and would become the top Elliott by next season. Both were dismissive of the Bunch describing Tony ‘as a one season wonder, naïve with his team selection and lacking any plan B’, citing a reliance on the dark side, but were impressed by the ‘Silent assassin’ the description they held for the Colonel’s Babylon who had come so close. ‘He just improves each year’ said Lawrence, ‘His team is better than City, so I could see him as top Coke next season’. I jokingly said, ‘What you mean champion’? which went down like a lead balloon. Bruce again stared at me intently ‘Listen to me and listen good – it’s fucking coming home and this interview is over’ At that both rose together clearly angered by my suggestion and showed me to the lift. As the doors closed Lawrence burst out, ‘Fake news wanker’, but it was too late for me to respond, as I descended to be met by Lady Jane who showed me to my waiting taxi. I looked out for the gardener, but he was nowhere to be seen, I was sure I’d discovered the elusive Elliott, but interviewing him would have to wait as we entered the Hood and its damning graffiti daubed everywhere. The twins hadn’t convinced me though. There was no denying their desire to reclaim past glories, but both seemed shell shocked from 2 seasons of hurt and in denial of the seismic shocks rocking their fading empire. I questioned if either would make the top 4 in the coming season. Both Babylon & Banana appeared technically superior and likely to kick on and City were just on another level. On top of that a resurgent Henry’s Hotspurs on the march and a World cup fantasy win for Witney’s homo manager Connor Coke, meant the competition would be fierce. Add on the incessant mind games and a pressure cooker intensity for 9 months and there was a feeling either could crack. Maybe the writing was already on the wall as I stared from the car at more graffiti calling for Lawrence to resign; only time would tell if he’d turn it round or fall on his sword.